The clouds were low and there was a chill in the air as I stepped carefully and with purpose because I wanted to record this walk in my memory. On the forest floor there was so much colorful light, blankets of red, sometimes yellow and orange. I found myself getting lost in the mosaic of colorful leaves at my feet.  In the midst of colorful blankets I would stop and look around at my kaleidoscopic world, knowing that this world was magical for me and that I could take it anywhere I wanted it to go.

I slowed my pace so that I could absorb the autumn forest and along my way a deer bolted across the trail with the snap of a branch right in front of me. Her white tail bounding through the forest, I stayed perfectly still. I sensed another animal near by, and I could feel it's presence I could almost hear it's heartbeat.

So very slowly I moved my feet forward, I might have actually just glided and I looked to where that deer had leapt from, and there looking at me was a giant buck. Unafraid and peering into my eyes just ten feet from me. I felt it's mass, I felt it's wonder I thought I might have touched it's soul and so I said, "Hello Deer", and he moved his nostrils ever so slightly.

"My name is Terry", I say, never taking my eyes off of his. I realize he's communicating with me, it's coming in through an inner voice and so I explain how I want to know about the Deer world and what it's like living in the forest.

This creature just looks at me but I hear, "You never can know the Deer world, you never can cross the line because you'd never be able to go back", is the message I interpreted.

"Never be able to go back?", I mutter more to myself than to the buck. He picks up on my quizzical question, " Neither of us could ever understand the other, it is not in our nature to do so. There can only be respect for one another, it's only in the love in life that we are able to touch one another."

Then with a quick shudder it leapt away right before my eyes.

I stayed still and after several leaps and bounds it stopped partially hidden by the woods, but I could see it looking again at me. It felt safer shielded by some trees and I could tell he felt more comfortable in there. His instinct enabled him to feel the human karma that is carried with me. All the centuries of good and bad, he could feel it upon me, like I was clothed in humankind. I was clothed in their clothes and I just could not be trusted.

I whispered to it again, I persisted in my need for an answer in a language I could understand, but I too now became aware of my humanity......I was dripping in my karma, my worldly doubt surfaced and I could not control it.

I felt the moment slip away from me, then saw the deer do the same.  He lowered his head and turned, walked further into the woods where I could no longer see him, or his world.

Now I wonder if I should have persisted on an answer from this deer.  I think that perhaps enough doubt came to me that's why it's answer didn't come through.   I had closed a door with my doubt.

I believe that had I remained with full intent in my magical forest that deer would have had an answer for me.  I'm sure it will take many return trips to that place, where I think clarity for my questions lay.